


Help Me (It's Like the Walls are Closing in)

by Strump



Series: Fraywood Brotp [11]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is a good big brother, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Friendship, Other, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:47:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25837516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strump/pseuds/Strump
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT, SUICIDAL THOUGHTSSebastian tears Clary down at Magnus' apartment and a few days later, she decides she's done. Alec doesn't think so.
Relationships: Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood
Series: Fraywood Brotp [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1119159
Comments: 6
Kudos: 87





	Help Me (It's Like the Walls are Closing in)

_“Tell me what it feels like to have your entire family ripped away from you.”_ In the end, Sebastian’s words have her handing over a ravener demon stinger (don’t ask her how she managed to get it) to a seedy warlock for a small vial of clear liquid in a darkened New York alleyway at 1am.

“It’ll definitely work?” She peers at the scant amount of liquid searchingly, holding the vial up to the streetlight above them.

“Quick and painless, just as you’ve asked. I’d like this to not come back to haunt me, Shadowhunter, so keep it quiet.” The warlock gives her a wink and disappears into a portal that closes barely before he’s through it. Clary tucks the vial into the pocket of her jacket and swallows, looking around. She sighs and turns on her heel, stuffing her hands into her pockets and fingering the small vial as she meanders slowly back towards the Institute. The New York night is balmy, but not unpleasant, and Clary takes her time wandering the streets. Even at this time in the morning, the city is bustling. She wonders if she’ll miss it. Then she wonders if that would even be possible. Could she have conscious thoughts where she’s going?

_“Your mother-she’s never coming back.”_ Clary lets out a heavy sigh but feels surprisingly light. It feels like everything will be right again soon. Actually, she doesn’t feel much of anything at all. Maybe that’s for the best. She isn’t sure that she’d be able to go through with it otherwise.

The towering spires of the Institute rise above her, and she stops for a second to take them in. It’s probably the last time she’ll ever see them, and she’d like to appreciate their beauty once more.

A stack of letters sits on her desk, ready to be distributed. She plays with the vial once more before heaving another sigh and heads towards the front door of the Institute.

Her room is immaculate. She doesn’t know how, it’s always a goddamn mess when she leaves it in the mornings. The Institute must employ cleaners, or something of the sort. Shrugging, she closes the door behind her and places the vial on the desk. Leafing through the letters, she stares at the names scrawled on the front of each envelope. Jace, Izzy, Alec, Magnus, Simon. All apologies.

She’s never going to be good enough. She’s realized that. And she’s tired of trying. Her whole life has gone to shit, her entire family is gone. She’s alone in a world that she doesn’t know about, and it scares her. It terrifies her. It beats her down to dust, makes her feel as if she’s a bug on the windshield of her own destiny. She’s just so tired.

Clary leaves Simon’s note on her desk and makes her rounds through the Institute. Jace is snoring on the other side of his door and she smiles fondly as she slips the note under his door. Izzy’s room is silent, but she knows the raven-haired girl is in there. She slips both Alec’s and Magnus’ notes under Alec’s door and turns, making her way back to her own room. Shedding her jacket, Clary settles against the back of her bed and uncaps the small vial. Sniffing it reveals that it is scentless. She purses her lips, frowning, and her hands start shaking.

Alec peers suspiciously at the note that’s been slipped under his door, his name scrawled messily in Clary’s handwriting. Picking it up reveals another note under it, with Magnus’ name in the same script. Curiously, Alec turns the envelope over and pulls a folded piece of notebook paper from it.

And chokes. The note flutters to the ground and Alec’s door makes a reverberating slam down the hallway as he dashes from his room in a flurry. It feels like it takes ages of running before he gets to her room. Foregoing a knock, he bursts through the door.

Clary’s head shoots up, a small vial halfway to her mouth. Alec lunges forward and slaps the vial from her hand.

“Alec! What the fuck!” Clary shouts, voice cracking, and she clambers off of her bed. She watches the vial shatter to the ground hopelessly, spattering the small amount of liquid across her carpet.

“No!” Alec roars, causing Clary to freeze. “You don’t get to say that to me! I’m the only one who gets to say that!” He screams, panic pounding his heart painfully against his ribcage. He takes a few seconds to allow himself to calm, closing his eyes against the blood rushing in his ears. “Clary…what is this?” He asks softer after he’s allowed himself to calm down.

“It’s my bedroom.” Clary snarks back at him, even as there are hopeless tears spilling from her eyes.

“Fray.” Alec snaps. Clary sighs and flops back to her bed. “Talk to me.” He says softly. Clary blinks quickly and looks away. Alec gives her some time to collect her thoughts.

“Sebastian…” She chokes a bit, taking a deep breath. “What Sebastian said. At Magnus’ apartment.” She finally finishes. Alec feels his teeth clench at the mere mention of Sebastian, a person that had quickly gained notoriety on the top of his shit list after his words to Clary only days before.

“They aren’t true.” Alec shakes his head and steps forward. “Clary, I’m sorry that he said those things to you. And I’m sorry that you believed them.” He swallows sharply and reaches out, taking her shoulders softly and squeezing them. “You’re worth so much and you don’t even see it.” He whispers. “But we all see it, Clary. You’re…you’re my people. And I protect my people.” Clary’s face crumples and she leans forward, head landing on Alec’s solid chest. He feels her shoulders start to shake with sobs. He steps forward and wraps his arms around her tightly, one hand pressed to the back of her head as his fingers softly card through tangled red hair. “I’m here for you.” He hums softly. “Please don’t take yourself away from us. Please don’t leave me like this.” He says. Clary lets out a loud, keening sob, and throws her arms around Alec’s waist.

She cries for almost an hour before she finally starts to calm down. Alec steps back only when she unwinds her iron grip from his waist, but his hand rests on the top of her head still.

“Why don’t you go shower? I’ll be in here.” He gestures towards her bathroom. Clary swallows with a shuddering breath and stands, nodding softly.

While she’s in the shower, Alec hurries to his room and returns wearing a pair of sweatpants (it got cold as hell in the institute at night), with an extra sweater draped over his arm. Clary steps out of the bathroom in her own sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt, still toweling dripping hair. Alec is more than relieved to see her still alive after his small absence to rush back to his room.

“Here.” He passes her the sweater and pretends not to see the small smile of delight curl on her lips as she tugs the too-big sweater over her shirt, sleeves dangling comically past her hands. Alec hides a smile as she climbs into the bed and pulls the sheet and comforter up to her shoulders before he settles himself over the comforter next to her and leans over to flip off the light.

“Alec?” Clary questions softly, bathed in darkness.

“You don’t honestly think I’m going to leave you alone after tonight, do you?” Alec asks, only to receive no response. “Clary, I think you should go to the Silent Brothers for this. I think you need help.” He waits to hear a fiery comeback, as Clary usually gives him. But she only snuggles into his side, gripping his shirt, and nods against his arm.

“Ok.” She whispers. Alec doesn’t like this new, subdued and hurt Clary, but he knows that he’d do anything to make sure that she’s okay, because she’s his family. And in the end, Clary realizes as she drifts to sleep, though things still aren’t okay, she feels better with Alec’s comforting weight pressed into her mattress, a strong arm wrapped around her shoulders. Just a reminder that she isn’t alone.


End file.
